Sunday, December 25, 2016

"He didn't mind how he looked to other people, because the nursery magic had made him Real, and when you are Real shabbiness doesn't matter."

This year has certainly made me a little shabbier, a little more worn. It has tattered me and pulled me to pieces and then stitched me back up again, in new and different forms. What it hasn't done, and what I expected it to do, was break me. It has taught me how strong I am, it has made me stronger. I bend now, but I don't break. Or maybe I always bent, I just looked for fissures and fractures as indicators that I was broken, not that I may part at the seams for new growth to take place.

I rarely write anymore, which makes me sad. I love to write. I love the feeling of taking nothing, just words that have might have meaning on their own and giving them meaning that's my own. I love seeing a space that's blank get filled with letters. It makes me really happy.

I just thought maybe I'd write a little and see what happened, because despite how this year might look to someone on the outside, this year has been one of my better years because I learned so much about myself. I'm always on this quest to find myself, and I think I always will be, which I don't mind, but is exhausting sometimes. Wanting to really know yourself, not just the little things that make you tick, but the big things and the in-between things, and hell, even some little things, too.

I used to use the name Transient Bliss for myself on my blog, and that's really how I felt, that bliss was fleeting. I loved this line from a Modest Mouse song: "If life's not beautiful without the pain, well I'd really rather never see beauty again." And I still love it, but I don't agree anymore about not seeing beauty again.

Without the hurt I've felt this year, I don't think I'd appreciate that I'm sitting alone on Christmas morning, with only some dogs for company, a fire burning, watching Hunger Games and sipping coffee for as beautiful as it really is. I cried a little, you should know that, because I think it's okay that I cried. But I didn't cry because I was sad, but more because I never really realized how strong I could be until today. I am strong and I can withstand more than I ever thought I could.

I am from the fire and of the fire.

I am whole and pieces.

And that is just fine with me.


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    1. You nailed it! Glad to see your blog again...just happened upon it on an old bookmark. Keep going...